


Striderella

by Quineviere



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-21 23:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quineviere/pseuds/Quineviere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is Cinderella, some weird stuff happens. There is romance. Also, daleks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Striderella

Once upon a time, some shit was about to go down. In the peaceful, war-ridden land of Skaia, a little man lived with his evil stepbrother who was actually his genetic dad, and also two evil stepsisters to whom he was also biologically related. This little man’s name was Dave Strider, but for the purposes of clarity, we will call him Striderella. But just this once, because this is supposed to be a serious fanfic.  
Dave, as usual, was being forced to labor manually, which meant that he basically had to code the Roomba to go into the right places instead of just letting it run wild. The       Roombro, freshly coded, whirred around the living room, picking up cat fur and Cheeto powder. Dave learned everything he knew about vacuum AI from his Bro, who is also the main antagonist of this story, so it’s kind of like the thing where James Moriarty actually tutored young Sherlock Holmes.  
Dave had just sat down on the white leather couch (because rich people) to play a game of Wii Bludgeoning when his not-necessarily-Evil not-Step Sisters came into the room talking amongst themselves with ironic giddiness.  
“Oh-Em-Gee, Rose, we were invited to the Prince Charming’s Ball!” said Roxy, walking funny because she had just painted her toenails and you do not mess with that shit. “I hope there’s tons of cute boys and stuff there to dance with.”  
“Something tells me you’re not actually interested in the dancing,” said Lesbian. I mean Rose. Rose walked normally, but with a slight limp from all of the wild lesbian sex she had been having. There is nothing more to Rose Lalonde as a person than the fact that she is a huge homo. Everybody knows this.  
Dave turned away from his intense game of Wii Bludgeoning to speak, “Yo, what’s this about a Ball? Do they need a DJ?”  
Roxy and Rose gave Dave the Look. “What?” they said in unison. They laughed and walked away as a unit, probably to get dressed or plan an orgy or some shit.  
It just so happened to be fictionally coincidental that Bro walked in right after they left. He was measuring his waist and bust, and holding enough fabric swatches to clothe an impoverished elephant.  
Dave looked unimpressed and went back to Bludgeoning innocent villages of defenseless Miis until Bro dragged him out of his gaming stupor with some goddamn fucking conversation.  
“Hey, lil’ man,” said Bro, already starting on his X-TREME SEWING.  
Dave blinked. “Hey, slightly larger man. Are you done talking or can I go back to killing off our broken and sad family of Mii avatars. Roxy Mii was doing fine, just minding her business when all of the sudden, Dave Mii swoops in with a mace and opens it up, spraying picante chili sauce all over her well-prepared macaroons and then killing Roxy Mii with only his pinkie fingers.”  
“Do you think I would look better in a pencil, A-line, or a Dirndl,” said Dirk, nonchalantly applying rubber tits to his hairy chest.  
“The fuck is a Dreidel?”  
“Excuse you? Dirndl.”  
“Whatever.”  
After twenty minutes of X-TREME SEWING and X-TREME polite small talk, Bro had finished the dress that would make even RuPaul untuck. Dave experienced a seizure due to the sheer campy ridiculousness of it and woke up later in his room in the attic. Whoever took him up there didn’t even bother to make the three-foot trip to his bed and instead dropped him on the floor. The Roombro, despite not being able to climb stairs, was trying to vacuum up his face.  
“What the shit, Roombro? Go clean under my bed at least, shit’s nasty,” Dave said, picking himself up and walking over to the window. He saw Bro and Cal leaving in a carriage, right behind Roxy and Rose.  
Roombro seemed to have heard him, making its way to Dave’s bed, even though cleaning appliances don’t have ears, numbnuts. Though if they did, it would explain why the Scrubbing Bro-bbles Shower Cleaner stopped working after he tried out his rendition of Super Bass.  
Dave stared at the stars above and at the landscape below. Shit was so boring. He almost wished he could have gone to the ball and seen that “Prince Charming” that everyone was making a fuss about.  
ticktockGourdhead opened the memo “a basket of puppies”  
TG: cinderella im the fella thatll burn your house down  
TG: wicked witches have the magic to make you all frown  
TG: when i come up to the ball looking punched by swagger  
TG: i take it to the center i aint no grocery bagger  
TG: no more im rising up against the tyranny jump the fence  
TG: and i dont hear any haters because my ears have been minced  
TG: its a sacrifice for the gods apollo the bitch eater  
TG: hes a cheater and a liar theres no reason to conspire  
TG: against the gods because your fate has been forged in gold  
TG: and them fuckersll be lucky if they live twice as old  
TG: so with as many monsters youve got crawling over your shoulder  
TG: sit back relax and give those fuckers the smoulder  
ticktockGourdhead closed the memo “a basket of puppies”  
  
Dave found a piece of stray fabric lying on the floor and picked it up. He thought he might be able to salvage it into something wearable, if a bit slutty. (There was not much fabric. Thank god for skinny pubescent hipsters.) He got out his magical, mystical hot glue gun and crafted a sleeveless red minidress, covered in feathers. There were too many fucking birds around his fucking room. Shit was like an ornithologist’s wet dream. Dave decided to make the best out of it and cover everything in feathers. Now that particular shit, was every skinny pubescent hipster's wet dream.  
  
Dave walked outside into the cool but pleasant Skaian night, wondering how he was actually going to get to the ball. The Roombro whizzed up behind him.  
“Oh hey, Roombro, what are you doing out here?”  
The Roombro seemed to be sucking hard.  
“What do you want? I mean, I know sometimes you just want to clean but you know, little guy, you deserve a vacation. To Maui.”  
ROOMBRO is looking around. ♪  
“Hey uh, don’t be crawling up my leg like that. I don’t need to be vacuumed.”  
Roombro climbed up Dave’s leg, and started sucking when he reached the end of his torso. The fabric was shredded and the feathers flew everywhere.  Dave was fucked and his dress was even more fucked.  
Roombro slid down Dave’s side and rolled back into the house, making weird beeping noises that sounded vaguely like “EX-TER-MIN-ATE” but Dave was probably just hearing things.  
He sat there in his ruined and tattered dress while the scent of cherries and attorney generals began floating through the air.  
And then there was singing  
“Davey is a really cool kid who no one understands! With Bro and Rose and Roxy always giving him commands--”  
Dave’s phone rang.  
tipsyGnostalgic: bed turnip  
tipsyGnostalgic: *twerp lol  
“--Gloom and doom up in his front lawn or whatever this shit is, is broken instantly! ‘Cause his magic little air freshener will grant his every wish ‘cause in reality--”  
Dave looked up, and found a fairy grinning at him. That fairy was also the one singing.  
“--I am your ODD TROLL, F41RLY ODD TROLL--”  
Dave did not believe his shades, so he took them off. He didn’t believe his eyes, either.  
“Wands and wings, and well I don’t have a crown but I got some pretty sweet shades right?”  
He nodded.  
“ODD TROLL, F41RLY ODD TROLL--”  
John suddenly decided to contact him with some great ideas for charades.  
EB: obtuse!  
EB: rubber goose!  
EB: green moose!  
EB: guava juice!  
EB: giant snake!  
EB: birthday cake!  
EB: large fry and chocolate shake!  
ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off  
“ODD TROLL, F41R--”  
“Okay shut the fuck up, you’ve only said that like a hundred fucking times already.”  
The fairlyodd troll frowned. “Fuck you, I liked the song. I’m Terezi, your fairly odd troll. You get one wish!”  
“That’s not how it works.” Dave put his shades back on.  
“Yeah I know but CSI’s on. And there’s been budget cuts, ya see. They just laid off the paraplegic kid.”  
“Ouch,” said Dave, thinking up a superbly ironic wish. He looked the foot-tall floaty troll in the eyeglasses and said his wish.  
“I wish to be a pretty fucking princess with a cute dress to impress Prince Charming and make him my bitch.”  
Terezi nodded.  
“Oooooooh, alaka-zoola magicka-roola bibbity bobbOW GODD4MN1T L3T M3 S1NG.”  
He sat back down and let her finish her song of nonsense words which he hoped were fucking worth it.  
His dress-shards magically turned into a ball gown fit for a queen, and the pumpkin that was sitting nearb--  
“Dave, there’s no pumpkin. How the hell are you going to get to the ball?”  
He looked around. It was too far to walk, like, all the way across the planet.  
“Can’t you like, transform some other shit? A dorito carriage or something.”  
“Doesn’t work that way.”  
“Teleportation?”  
“Did you even read Da Rules?”  
“No! You never showed me any rules.”  
Terezi paced back and forth in the air. “Hmmm... what about wings?”  
Dave shrugged. “As long as they don’t have--”  
Terezi poofed some cardinal wings into his back.  
“...feathers. Gosh, thanks.”  
“Listen, coolkid, you get what you get. As in, you gotta be home by 1:43 or the spell will wear off.”  
At this point, Dave was fucking done asking questions and on his way to the ball.  
Terezi watched him fly away as the Roombro whizzed back out onto the front lawn.  
The troll and the appliance gave each other cautious stares, and Terezi poofed away.  
  
He flew to the ball on the backroads, trying not to be see. The damned wings he just kind of grew because of a stupid wish from a bullshit fairy who was more interested in bullshit crime shows, he swore if he saw that chick again--  
  
The castle was gray and black. It was like old photography. He could hear sophisticated music coming from inside that did have somewhat of an urban flair to it. The music sung you a stupid hoe you a you a stupid hoe like it was nobody’s business.    
Entering the party, Dave found a long line of ladies and sundry in ballgowns, waiting to meet the fabled Prince Charming all the way across the dancefloor. Dave couldn’t make out him-- er, make him out from across the palace, so he just got in line and watched the bachelorettes run off or stomp away.  
Rose contacted him when he was about halfway down the line.  
TT: I watched Roxy meet Prince Charming while I was making out with one of the girls in line.  
TT: She got annoyed with him.  
TT: There’s a line to meet the prince, by the way.  
TT: I keep forgetting that you’re not even at this party. Ha!  
TT: Anyways, the prince is a troll. If I weren’t such a huge lesbian I could tell you if he was good looking or not, but I can’t. Because I’m gay.  
TT: I’m also a little tipsy. Hasta la pasta, Dave.  
  
From that, Dave could tell that she was on her way to being totally shitfaced. He didn’t know if he wanted to meet the prince if he was really that annoying, but he guessed it was worth a try.  
“Next!” called the butler, informing Dave it was time for him to meet the prince. He walked into the room and tried to make sure his wings were tucked away as far as big-ass feathery protrusions could be.  
The prince sighed and introduced himself. “I am Prince Karkat of Prospit, and I am pleased to make your acquaintance this evening.” He then muttered under his breath. “Not.”  
“Uh...” Dave stared, getting a boner from the boyishly attractive prince. “I’m Dave.”  
Prince Karkat widened his eyes. “Are those wings?”  
“Yeah...”  
“May I touch them? I love the feel of feathers,” said Prince Karkat. “I mean. Uh. I’m just curious about how they feel.”  
“I guess?” said Dave.  
Karkat slowly walked up to him and touched his wings softly. At first, Dave backed up, not wanting him to hurt them. Then, he checked the clock. 11:11. He had over two hours left before it was bye bye Birdie. Thank god, too. Those things attracted unwanted--  
“What are are you doing?!” asked Dave frantically, pushing Karkat off. His light touches has turned into needy rubbing.  
“I just-- I-- I’ve always liked reading about the fae.”  
“I’M NOT GAY.”  
“I meant like fairies. With, er, wings.”  
“Oh. I, I’m sorry I--”  
“No really I shouldn’t have--”  
“I think that I was actually--”  
“No, just shut up and let me--”  
“I HAVE TO APOLOGI--”  
“SORRY DAMMIT.”  
“GOD I’M SORRY.”  
There was silence for a long second.  
  
“Meet me in the kitchen at 1:45 tonight. I want to show you something,” whispered Karkat, slapping him and shoving him off outside of the tented room, yelling “NEXT!” to the butler outside.  
Dave was unsure of what to think about his invitation. Could it just be what he says to the freaks of his kingdom, was the Prince going to show him the guillotine? But wait--1:45 was after his wish was up. God fucking dammit.  
He stood aside and drank some punch for a while, watching girls come in and out more rapidly than before. It then occurred to him that his brother had met the Prince, too. Oh, for crying out loud.  
ticktockGourdhead contacted timaeusTestified  
TG: hey  
TG: how was the prince  
TG: whens the wedding  
TT: Wedding? Ha. The guy was a douchebag. He told me my dirndl looked like a cardboard cutout of a washboard and that my sunglasses were too anime.  
TT: Nobody fucking tells Dirk Strider his anime shades are too anime.  
TT: There is no such thing as too anime.  
TT: Tonight at two, I’m gonna have him meet Dick.  
TT: Which is what I named my guillotine.  
TT: The prince will be dead, and their shit duly wrecked.  
TT: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
TG: hahaha stick it to the prince  
TG: he doesnt deserve you dear brother  
TT: I’m glad somebody’s on my side. Well, so is Rox, but she doesn’t count because she’s family.  
TT: See what I did there? I just implied that you’re not family.  
TT: It’s an insult because we’re related.  
TG: wow sick burn dude  
TT: The sickest. Bro out.  
timaeusTestified [TT] logged off.  
Time passed, and 1:43 came. But neither Dave’s dress, nor his wings went away. He wondered what was up as he made his way to the kitchen that he magically knew the location of.  
The scent of cherries and the BAR exam started to waft from the kitchen, and Dave dreaded it even more.  
He entered the kitchen and found the unhelpful fairy grinning maniacally at him.  
“Hey coolkid! I bet you’re wondering why the spell didn’t wear off!” she said, fluttering up to him.  
“I guess.”  
“W3LL G3T R34DY FOR TH3 3XPL4N4T1ON OF 4 L1F3T1M3!”  
She turned on a boombox.  
“If there’s a prize for rotten judgement,” she began to sing, “I guess I’ve already won that. TH1S GUY 1S WORTH M1SS1NG CS1 so you’re keeping the wings. It’s ancient history been there DON3 TH4T.”  
  
The kitchen maids started to sing backup. “Dave are you even kidding?” How did they know his name. “He’s the Derse and Prospit to ya.” Dave had never been to Prospit. “Keeping the wings hidden, honey, we can all see them!” Rude. “Boy you can’t conceal it, we know that you got got got it bad.” That’s not how the song even goes.  
“STOP!” Dave yelled. “ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING. I GET IT.”  
“No you don’t,” said Terezi seriously. “The wings only go away with true love’s kiss.”  
“So I have to kiss the prince.”  
“No. You have to have true love for the prince, and TH3N kiss him.”  
Dave thought about that. “Oh.”  
He thought more. “OH.”  
And more. “OH.”  
He was not ready for true love. He was fifteen.  
Terezi poofed away and the kitchen maids went back to doing kitcheny things. Dave didn’t know what that entailed, like, sorting swords or something?  
Karkat walked into the kitchen a minute later, not wearing a shirt.  
Dave was kind of maybe MAYBE ready for true love.  
“I know this looks weird, but I want to show you something.” He pointed to his nipples. “I’m a freak. I have these protrusions on my chest that don’t do anything and I just thought that maybe if you had wings then you’d understand how weird this is, these things.”  
Dave was shocked and flattered, but somehow he started laughing.  
“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”  
“No,” Dave tried to say through the laughter, “Those are normal.”  
“They are? No troll has them. I think you’re lying.”  
“Well...” Dave shedded his dress. “I have some, if that makes you feel any better.” He poked near one. “They’re called nipples.”  
Karkat stood there with a look of blessed feces on his face and a hand reaching out to Dave’s nipples.  
Dave stepped back. “What are you doing?”  
“I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR NIPPLES. MAKE SURE THEY’RE REAL.”  
“No, they’re real I can assurmmmggphh-”  
Dave was cut off by the calloused lips of a mutant troll on his own. He was surprised, and then happy, and then scared and then excited and then horny and then sad and then unconditionally and irrevocably in love.  
The wings fell off like the tail of a spooked salamander. The feathers, detached, flew around them like orange snowflakes. Well, not quite orange (pinkish, maybe?). He guessed it was more of a salmon colour.  
Karkat pushed Dave against the fridge, which was whirring in a way fridges shouldn’t whirr, and kissed him harder. Dave kissed back, caressing his prince’s face.  
And they lived happily ever to second base for like five minutes.  
“EX-TER-MIN-ATE. EX-TER-MIN-ATE,” buzzed some voiced from outside the kitchen. Dave turned around quickly to find the Roombro at his feet, sucking on his skin with the suction of a mild-mannered black hole.  
He tried to shake the evil appliance off, but it was no use. The thing had engulfed his toes and was quickly picking up speed, ready to devour his foot. He was saved, however, by the metallic shing of a katana slicing through it.  
It was Bro, looking like a badass in his dorky damn dirndl. “Need some help, Lil’ Bro?” he said, handing him a katana.  
“Hell,” started Dave, giving Karkat a reassuring glance.  
“Fucking,” he continued, taking an actiony stance, ready to fight the evil appliance Daleks.  
“Yes,” he finished, shades shining like a fucking anime and erect nipples twitching with excitement why am I even telling you this.  
The sounds of decapitated vacuums and red-hot swords filled the air as the last “EX-TER-MIN-Aaaa-” whimpered in a robotic cry for mercy. Dave and Bro gave one another a high five as they vanquished the fairly foreshadowed foe.  
Karkat stood there with a full gape on his face, in awe at the Striders’ advanced swording skills.  
“Dave. Fucking. Whatever-your-last-name-even-is-I-forgot.”  
“Strider.”  
“Yeah, whatever. Just take me now.”  
Bro put his hands akimbo and pouted. “What about me?”  
“I have a harem on the third floor. Go have an orgy.”  
His face lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning.  
And then Karkat and Dave had the best sex ever in a pile of evil machine remnants. Dirk had an orgy with a bunch of horny diplomats, Rose decided to forsake lesbianism and devote her life to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and Roxy got really drunk and probably got gonorrhea or something.  
The End


End file.
